Wednesday, February 8, 2017

The Greatest Story Ever Screwed

I finally overcame my anticipatory revulsion and watched the new version of Disney's The Jungle Book. I have concluded that while the movie is not the hideous train wreck that the animated version was, it's still pretty bad. It is obvious that no one connected with either movie has ever actually read even a single one of the original Mowgli stories.They just gave the general concept the Disney treatment. If you are a work of literature and receive the Disney treatment, you can expect to follow a process similar to ancient Egyptian mummification. First they gut you. Then they scoop your brains out through your nose. Then they wrap you up in bandages and soak you in a bath of ooey gooey, sugar sweet clich├ęs, throw in a few wild chase scenes, add a couple of adorable but mischievous animals, and you're done.

How bad do I find it? Well let's say Disney decided to do a New Testament spectacular. It would go something like this:

Walt Disney presents The Greatest Story Ever Told:

God the Father falls in love with that hot babe, the Holy Spirit. She's bad, but she has a heart of gold. She gives birth to a son, whom they call Jesus. Unfortunately, there's a war in Heaven at the moment and, what with heaven being bombed, all the children have to be evacuated to the countryside, that is, Earth.

Jesus gets sent to the Virgin Mary, wife of Joseph because he's too old to have kids and this lets them have a family.

But the great prophet, John the Baptist, is jealous. He fears this new Jesus will take over the number one spot. He can't let that happen. This is especially sad because John the Baptist is a follower of Moses. Moses set all the Jews in Egypt free and now wanders around the desert singing "The Bear Necessities" and teaching the people of Israel that they don't need to be slaves to material things, they can just be free and wander around eating bugs, honey, and manna. He especially likes locusts and wild honey. His greatest student, John the Baptist, still likes locusts and wild honey, but now he also craves power. (Moses, happily wandering the desert while eating bugs between two slices of mana coated with honey sandwiches, plays no further part in the movie.)

Hearing about Jesus, John decides to "baptize" the infant "accidentally" drowning him and making himself safe.

This is made easy for him because he is married to Salome, daughter of kindly King Herod. Evil John the Baptist convinces kindly king Herod that Jesus is trying to replace Herod, not John.

Hearing that Harod is out to get their child (they now our regard Jesus as their own son) The Holy Family leaves his birthplace in a manger, taking along that adorable but mischievous little lamb and the dove up in the rafters, which is also very adorable.

They settle in Egypt for a while, which is ruled by the mighty pharaoh who uses his Royal cartouche to surf the waters of the Nile. He's a really laid-back dude and sounds like a Californian surfer.

I think you get the picture now. This is what Disney does to great literature. I know I'm very much in the minority, but most Disney movies really stink.

Sent from my iPhone

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