Sunday, September 22, 2013

Lessons From St. Ronald of Reagan

A Day in the Life of a Rugged American Individualist

We shall open our story with a reading from the Gospels.  "The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'" -- The Gospel according to Saint Ronald of Reagan, Chapter 2842 verse 79

1:33 PM:  A gang of crazed members of the local teachers union breaks into Rugged Individualist's home to take away his guns.  A neighbor calls the police. When they arrive, shots are being exchanged. The officer in charge shouts out, "This is the police. We are from the government and we're here to help."

Rugged Individualist screams out in terror, "No! Go away! I'll take care of this by myself!"

2:47 PM: As he dies, the last insane member of the local teachers union sets off an incendiary device, committing suicide.  The home is almost instantly a mass of flames.  A fire truck rolls up, the captain jumps out and shouts "This is the fire department!  We are from the government and we're here to help."

Rugged Individualist screams out in terror, "No! Go away! I'll take care of this by myself!"

4:13 PM:  The house lies in smoldering ruins. In the front yard lies Rugged Individualist.  He is also in smoldering ruins. An ambulance from the fire department pulls up next to him. An EMT jumps out and says, "This is the paramedics!  We are from the government and we're here to help."

Rugged Individualist screams out in terror...well, actually he gasps out in terror, "No! Go away! I'll take care of this by myself!"

4:47 PM:  A hearse from the county medical examiner's office pulls up.  An attendant steps out of it. He says, "I am an attendant. I am from the government and I'm here to help."

Rugged Individualist does not reply.  The attendant asks, "Do you object to my helping you?"

When there is no response he says to his assistants, "OK, boys, there's no objection, so zip him up in the bodybag and let's get him to the morgue."

And thus ends a day in the life of an American rugged individualist.

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