Thoughts on my birthday, one day late
So how do things look? Last year at this time I was in poor shape physically, financially stressed, and very worried about the upcoming year. I hoped it would be better than the one that had just ended, but I wasn't terribly confident.
This year, I am in poor shape physically, much more financially stressed, and still very worried about the upcoming year. 2014 was much better than 2013, but not as much better as I had hoped.
But where there was a sense of desperation last year at this time, I have more of a sense that things will somehow be much better this year. I see no clear basis for this assumption, but I feel it very deeply.
Many of us have noted that when things start going bad it seems we must keep on that path until things finally hit bottom. Of course, you never know how far down the bottom is. It is probably a psychological artifact, but it does seem that, at certain times in our lives, things deterministically proceed to get worse and worse until, finally, a certain low level is reached; whereupon things suddenly begin getting better. Right now, I feel as if I have reached that bottom level and am now bouncing back up.
Again, I don't see any particular reason for believing this, although there are a few indicators that could be so interpreted. Nonetheless, I feel it quite deeply. So this year, I hope that I am correct.
For example, the last few days I've been reexperiencing the sense of wonder and joy that simply come from being alive and enjoying the beauty around me. This is a normal state for me, but one which has been far too rare in recent years. Today started sunny and pleasant but as I walked out to the mailbox to return Animatrix to Netflix, it began to rain. A pleasant, gentle, beautiful rain. And in the midst of all the grief and suffering that has come to seem to be so normal in recent years, I feel quite at peace and quite happy right now.
May this return again to my default state as it is been for most of my life.